On December 26th something in me shifted. It has been brewing for a while, I have been feeling lost and disconnected and as much as I hate to admit it aloud, I think I have been struggling with a little bit of depression. I have been sad and depressed on occasion through my life but I don't think I have ever been truly in a period of depression before. I am familiar with depression and how it is worn by others. I can recognize the signs, I can offer help and shoulders and advice... I am so g-d good at giving the advice. I have felt like I was only going through the motions of my life and if I am honest, except for when I am teaching yoga, I don't think I have really and completely been showing up for anything or anyone else.
I have talked about how I changed careers and went from making really good money on salary to a fully commissioned role. I love the job, the people, I have been in the mortgage industry for over 20 years, but this role is really, really hard. I am used to having my hand in a few different things (teaching, coaching, my overly scheduled -social life, parenting..) and I am also used to a steady stream of income with very few unknowns. Clients are fickle, and the competition is stiff. It takes a lot of time to build up your base and the work never ends. I don't know that I was as mentally prepared about just how hard this first year would be on me mentally as well as financially. Luckily, I have a really great team; everyone at my company is so supportive and even though we are basically each other's competition, I can (and have) leaned on most of them for support. (Chris & Sarah, don't know what I would do without you).
My kids are older and don't need me as much, really barely at all. This is a beautiful thing, and if their Dad and I had not done as good of a job raising them this would not be the case. High five! Except for the fact that so much of what my identity has been over the last 20 years has been based on being a mom... and letting go and moving into this next chapter has been hard.
In 2017 my Dad died, my Mom moved away to Florida and my oldest went away to school. I also left banking and a secure career. This year my youngest graduated and moved out. I have been messy and have not shown up as the partner that I want to be. Kari came into my life during the hardest time and I don't know where I would have been without her being so supportive and such a cheerleader for me. None of us are perfect, but I am fully owning my lacks and I am determined to change the shape of things. This is a list of the changes I wrote down that night to help facilitate the shift that I need. The shift that will give me the ability to show up fully, to let go of my fears and my need to control. To not feel depressed, to be present, but mostly, to allow myself to love. These are my resolutions. I decided not to wait until January 1, so I am 4 days in - taking this through the end of January. Some of them will turn from resolutions to habits. I figured sharing them with my little world helps hold me accountable...
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Feel all the sorrow, the sadness, the missing and move through it.
Change my diet, eat better, eat cleaner. No sugar. Cook, eat out less. Drink lots of water, and tea.
No alcohol, get cleaner in the mind.
Do yoga and walk every day. - but get back to the soulful, heartful yoga and connect to me inside.
Meditate every day.
Focus on my career, start saving again, payoff debts, put money towards retirement and stop spending frivolously. Cancel the stuff I don’t need.
Read/write/have phone conversations with friends and family - little time with eyes on the television.
Don’t schedule myself so heavily socially. In fact for January if I see my friends it will only be for yoga or a walk.
Work on house projects, planting, yard work.
STOP just going through the motions. Pause and notice the life I am living, find more ways to be present.
Purge my life of the things that I do not need. Belongings. They are just things.
Write letters, thank you notes, occasion cards.
SLOW DOWN.
Spend less time looking at my phone.
Work on 300-hour TT assignments, create, explore, practice.
Go to other studios, try new teachers.
Forgive myself and just do better.
Be an example. Act as if I have reached all of the goals I am setting out to achieve from day 1.
Don’t be lazy. Get up, make my bed, attack the day…let that lead my way.
Work hard, do the hard things, be true to myself like I’ve never been before.
Trust the process.
oh, and, therapy. She just gets me.
I invite you to join me, make your version of this. Don't commit to more than you think you can handle, set yourself up for success. I knew I had to go big, make a big shift to make a difference. It is a lot to take on at once but, for me, this is necessary. Only you know what is right for you. It is never too late when it is important, and what is more important than your life? #beginagain